


Stark Family Traditions

by artificial_ink



Series: Stark Family Secrets [1]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (2012), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Cult of Tesla, Gen, Raising kids, Single Parents, Tony's actually sometimes responsible
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-12
Updated: 2013-03-06
Packaged: 2017-11-29 01:03:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 17,745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/680916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artificial_ink/pseuds/artificial_ink
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Or the top 5 reasons why Tony isn't as bad a father as he sometimes thinks he is.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Bed Time

**Author's Note:**

> This is a precursor to Pain Au Chocolat but you don't need to read that to enjoy this. Just know that Tony Stark is Darcy's father.
> 
> I posted this at Fanfiction.net but never finished it up. I'm finally working on the fifth chapter so thought I'd post it here. Not sure when the sixth chapter will be posted, just as a warning. But it's already an extra so you guys can wait...

After the third time Darcy cried out, Tony knew that he was not going to get any sleep that night. The 7 month infant had been rather fussy as of late and he assumed it was related to teething. This night, he had gone in three times to calm her down only to hear her cries five minutes after he made it back to his own room and settled down into bed. He figured it was best to take it as a compliment that his own infant daughter was so fond of him now that she couldn't bear to be apart. It was much better than when he first brought her home a few months ago. Then, she wanted hardly anything to do with him. He supposed he could have chalked it up to still healing from the car accident and missing her mother but he felt it was better to not think about that. She adored him now and that's all that mattered.

It made him laugh sometimes to think that the only girl that could get him to settle down was little Darcy Padma Lewis-Stark. Should have known. His father always said to watch out for girls with strange, new age hippie names. And Tony always did the opposite of what his father said.

"Well I'm all yours for the night," Tony said, looking down at the child wailing in the crib. When she heard his voice, she quieted down a fraction. "And since last night we did what you wanted to do, I thought tonight we could do what I want to do."

Reaching down and picking up the wiggling bundle in honeybee footie pyjamas, Tony smiled when her cries stopped completely.

"You just want to spend time with your dear papa, isn't that right? Well I guess I'm sorry about all that time with the nanny. But did you really expect me to know how to change your diaper right from the start? Or that you can't eat a chicken burrito? You're missing out by the way, I know this great Mexican place that make some that are about the best thing you'll ever eat. I'll get you one once those choppers of yours grow in all the way," promised Tony, enjoying the way his daughter's eyes lit up when he talked to her. Obviously, Tony never saw himself as a father type. He never _wanted_ children and had assumed he'd clone himself one day if he felt the urge to keep his DNA on Earth.

Then he held a sleeping infant in his arms. One that looked so pale and vulnerable with a few bandages still on because of the car crash that had taken her mother. And she opened her eyes and looked up at him. Tony knew that he was in love. So he took her home, hired a nanny that didn't speak too much English but at least knew the importance of confidentiality. Then read any book on babies he could get his hands on. Over the months, Tony made sure that the nanny's hours lessened the more he got a better grip of this whole parenting business. He would never have thought babies were so fascinating.

"So how do you like your new PJs? I thought the bee feet were a nice detail," asked Tony, tickling the tiny feet and earning a excited laugh. He picked the pyjamas out himself. They were a plain white with yellow polka dots, yellow smiling bees covered the feet and a honey jar patch was stitched on the front. Buying baby clothes was actually kind of fun. In fact, he almost got recognised at the store when he bought them. He'd have to be a little more careful next time. Actually, now that he thought about it, the whole house was due for a security improvement. Maybe he'd start working on that tonight.

"I figured you liked honey, since you seemed to drool less on that Winnie the Pooh book than any other. Oh, and I agree with your opinion on Dick and Jane. If you ask me," his voice lowered into a whisper, "Jane's a bitch."

At that, Darcy started to writhe out of his grasp, babbling a few syllables in a tone that he dared to think was almost reprimanding.

"Okay, a bit harsh, I'll give you that one, honeybee," admitted Tony while he started to gather a few things. At the nickname, Darcy giggled.

"Oh you like that? Honeybee?" It earned him another laugh. "Well then honeybee, I'll tell you what we have ahead of us. I'm going to take you down to my workshop and show you what your old man does. None of that war, bomb stuff though. No, I'm going to show you the fun stuff. All my useful inventions that I occasionally sell off to make an extra buck. In fact, I'm going to start revamping the security around this place. So what do you say?" Tony asked while putting one of her rattlers and teething toys in a portable car seat and took a hold of the handle. In reply, Darcy cocked her head to the side and stuck her hand in her mouth.

"It doesn't sound exciting _now_ , but just you wait. If your first word isn't sautering or socket wrench then I may be a little disappointed. Though, daddy wouldn't be too bad either," he headed down to his workshop, talking all the way.

Over the next few weeks, working late nights in the workshop with Darcy comfortably seated in her car seat became the norm. Tony would babble about his ideas, plans or just what he was doing and Darcy would babble back in her baby gibberish. Often, she would fall asleep but she never woke up crying like she normally did if he just put her straight to bed. After two weeks of this, Tony bought and set up another crib in the shop and outfitted it with a few colourful teething toys, a tool mobile, bee sheets and a plush Donatello Mutant Ninja Turtle. It was a set up that both parties enjoyed. Particularly when Darcy's first real word turned out to be circuit.

 

>~~~< 

 

Frowning, Tony accepted the call from Darcy as soon as JARVIS announced it. He looked at the time on his watch and it stated 11:34 PM. That meant it was even later where Darcy was. It was Darcy's first year at Culver University and he'd been a little on edge at having her so far away for such a long period of time. Matters weren't helped when only after a month, Darcy had been calling him rather frequently and often in tears. Most of the time, she chalked it up to missing home or not getting along with her roommate but Tony knew there was something more behind it.

"Hey there honeybee."

"Hi Yogi," chirped Darcy, making Tony roll his eyes.

"I missed the days you called me papa bear without sarcasm. So...what's wrong?" he asked, expecting the worst.

"Wrong? Why would anything be wrong?" The tone of her voice led him to believe that there was something troubling her at the very least.

"Because it's, hey JARVIS? What's the time in Virginia?"

"It is 2:34 AM in the Eastern Time Zone, sir."

"Yeah, 2:34 AM. What's wrong?"

"Fine," Darcy sighed with slight exasperation, "I can't fall asleep because I'm worried about this stupid presentation I have do to in one of my classes."

"Is that all? Which class?" He didn't want to admit that the tightness in his chest went away when it was obvious there was no dangerous emergency. He didn't even want to admit that he had a tightness in his chest in the first place. Darcy was an adult, she could handle things without Daddy's help. If there was a roommate's tiff or annoying professor then she would have to learn to deal with things on her own. There was a pang of sadness at that thought but Tony kept on ignoring all the fatherly emotions. Sometimes, they made him feel as vulnerable as Darcy was the first time he held her.

"World War II and Global Cinema."

"So what, you guys watch films all day? Sounds easy enough."

"Sort of. But now the professor wants us to actually talk like we're learning stuff. I thought I'd just spend Monday and Wednesday lunches watching Captain America movies but I have to use my brain," explained Darcy and Tony could practically hear her pout.

"Hey I'm sure you'll do great. Public speaking is an ability that runs through your Stark veins," Tony assured, bringing some of his attention back to the coil in front of him.

"I thought you were good at public speaking because you're drunk during most of it."

"A bit of liquid courage helps but the rest of that genius, it's all me."

"Are you suggesting that if I let my instincts take over then I'll insult my professor and most of my class while taking sips from a flask?"

"If people aren't insulted, then that's a sign what you're saying isn't awesome. But really, why are you so worried? It's just a history class. Not like you're gonna get kicked out of the engineering department because you get one not so good grade from a class where you watch old films."

"I _know_ ," admitted Darcy but there was a pause where she seemed to be collecting her thoughts. Or hesitating.

"So what's the problem?"

"Dad, I'm not smart like you," Darcy finally said, causing Tony to stop whatever adjustment he was making. He dropped the tool he was holding onto the table with a soft clank.

"What?"

"I'm not an über-genius like you. I didn't graduate with like, 3 degrees at the age of 19. Yeah, I guess I'm a little above average but I'm no Einstein. I'm not going to invent the next miracle power source or whatever. If I can't even pass a stupid history class about movies-"

"Now, stop. Stop right there. Darcy, I love you, okay? No matter what. You could have all the degrees in the world or work in McDonalds. I'd still love you. I don't know who's put this stuff in your head but you're smart. Don't let some little shit in Culver make you think otherwise. No matter what they think their qualifications are, they've got nothing on you.

"You are great. You're going to do great things while I bet at least half of your classmates are going to fall into obscurity. Doesn't matter if you have a degree in engineering or history or cinema or whatever but you’ll be amazing at what set your mind to. You don't have to prove you're a genius to me. I don't care. Though you _are_ if you doubt. How many times have you sat up late with me in the shop and helped bounce ideas? Or _gave_ me ideas? Huh?" Tony waited for her answer. There was no way in hell he'd let her go on thinking she wasn't good enough. It upset him that he idea even crossed her mind. The same thoughts plagued him his whole childhood as he continued to invent and create to get the father’s approval that would never come. He promised himself he wouldn’t be like his father. Darcy would know how great he was, even if he had to fly over to Culver and convince her.

"Loads of times. But, that's different from-"

"Stop doubting yourself. You're Darcy and that's more than enough for me."

"Really? Even if I flunked out of this history class or an engineering class? Any major? Any profession? Really?"

"Really, do what makes you happy and I'll be happy," promised Tony, wondering just how deep her insecurity lay. "Oh, but try to avoid fast food. I know I said I wouldn't mind but it would be nice if you set your goals a bit higher."

"Sure dad," laughed Darcy, the sound calming him a bit. If some shit in the engineering department was picking on Darcy just because she was a girl or something equally stupid then he'd fly there tonight and blast the bastard.

“I love you too. So, what are you up to?" She asked, there was rustling and Tony assumed she was getting more comfortable in between her sheets.

"Well, Pepper said she'd have my head if I didn't finish some paperwork by tomorrow morning. So I'm down in the workshop making a miniature Tesla coil," he explained like it was the most rational thing in the world.

"Oh, well I hope you burned pictures of Edison as an offering to the Cult of Tesla before you started."

"Of course," snorted Tony, "with incense, chanting monks, some cooing pigeons, the whole shebang. Maybe we should have a séance when you get back."

"Sounds like a plan. Let's use Tesla coils instead of candles."

"Looking forward to it. Well honeybee, you going to bed? Need some shuteye if you want to do well on your project. Though you'll probably ace it no matter what."

"Dad," began Darcy tentatively, "can you, just talk. Like when I was little? Until I fall asleep?"

"Anything for you, honeybee," Tony smiled, deciding to start with some of the new ideas he had to improve his suit. Every so often, Darcy would interject with her own input until all he could hear from her line was a steady, deep breathing. 


	2. Birthday Breakfast

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will be smudging time lines for Tony Stark a bit throughout the series (and the Darcy Stark series in general) to suit my needs. Just to warn you. Also I'm following the movies more. So I've made Tony's dad live a bit longer. Also added a day between the Ivan Vanko Monaco spat and Tony's birthday in the second movie.

A soft push to the shoulder and the excited voice of a child woke Tony even if they didn’t fully register. He snorted softly and groaned at the too bright light streaming through the windows. Before he could tell JARVIS to turn down the light, there was a loud voice in his ear.

“Daddy! Daddy wake up!” the voice shouted before a little body jumped up and down next to him. When that didn’t work, the child jumped right onto Tony’s chest.

“Jesus!” Tony coughed out, opening his eyes and looking up at the four-year-old with brown curly hair and blue eyes, sitting on his chest and vibrating with energy.

“Happy birthday daddy!” she shouted before wrapping her arms around his neck for a tight hug.

“Hey, thank you,” Tony hugged her back and scooted himself into a sitting position with a loud yawn. “JARVIS, what time is it?”

“The time is 6:45 AM sir.”

“You couldn’t give me a warning before she tried to crush my chest?”

“Sorry sir, but Miss Darcy swore me to secrecy. I couldn’t break my promise.”

“Loyalties JARVIS, remember them,” warned Tony. The AI seemed to grow much more fond (or as fond as an AI could be) of Darcy when she threw a temper tantrum after not being able to hear her imaginary friend outside the house.

“Daddy, look! I made you breakfast!” Darcy announced gleefully, pointing to a bowl of Fruit Loops, a carton of milk, an egg and an orange that sat next to Tony in the sheets.

“Well look at that, thanks honey,” Tony smiled as Darcy handed him the egg.

“Dummy helped reach the high things but he won’t turn on the stove,” pouted Darcy. That led Tony to believe that the cold egg was probably uncooked.

“Well I’m glad, I don’t want you to get hurt. Now, I’ll save this for later. But thank you for the Fruit Loops and the orange,” Tony put the egg on the bedside table before planting a kiss on Darcy’s forehead. Happy with the approval, Darcy went to pour the milk into the bowl and refused Tony’s help even when a bit of milk sloshed out onto the sheets. Picking up one of the spoons Darcy had brought, Tony took a bite and gave an exaggerated ‘mmm’. He couldn’t stop the laugh that erupted from his throat when Darcy took her own spoon and helped herself to his cereal.

“So you excited to meet Miss Pepper Potts again today?” Tony asked, remembering that Pepper was supposed to be driving over around eleven. The young woman had been his secretary for only three months at Stark Industries but she’d done more on her first day than any of his secretaries had done in their whole careers at Stark Industries combined. He knew she was something special the day she threatened her way into his office just to show him his own mistake. Not only were all his projects, PR appearances and general stocks running 124% more efficiently but she also had great people skills. A majority of the time, she was even able to deflect Howard Stark or at least distract him so that Tony would only talk to him the minimal amount. That was surely the sign of a saint.

She didn’t seem to go for any of his passes either and honestly, Tony respected her more for that. Today she was coming over for what Tony had claimed was her first employee evaluation but it was actually going to be her first time officially meeting Darcy.

“Yeah! She’s nice! And pretty!” said the little girl around a spoonful of Fruit Loops. Darcy had meet Miss Virginia ‘Pepper’ Potts by accident but that one incident had got the cogs in Tony’s mind running. On a later than usual workday, Happy had driven the impatient Darcy to the office to wait for Tony’s day to end when the little girl had snuck off (and really, Tony needed to teach her to stop doing that or at least get Happy to be more alert). Somehow, Pepper had run into the obviously lost child who was determined to have an adventure while finding her father. Pepper held Darcy’s hand the whole time they waited in the lobby, discussing Darcy’s favorite cartoon until Happy came around to claim her. She’d even promised the little girl an ice cream cone if they ever met again.

Tony knew he needed more help taking care of Darcy. The little girl was becoming more of a handful everyday and she would need to start some form of preschool soon. It would be harder and harder to keep her identity safe and having only four other people know about her wouldn’t be enough. So today was when Virginia was going to do good on that promise for ice cream and Tony was confident that she wouldn’t disappoint him or Darcy.

Eleven o’clock rolled around and Pepper arrived right on the dot. Tony had her wait in the living room for him, as he convinced Darcy to stay put and wait until he said so they could ‘surprise’ Pepper. When he walked in, she stood up in her slimming suit and skirt combo, holding her briefcase close to her. For some reason, she seemed nervous and Tony realized that she probably still wasn’t used to how lax he tended to be about things (such as having an employee evaluation at his house). Or perhaps she had heard about the other ‘evaluations’ he’d held here in the past.

“Happy birthday Mr. Stark, how are you?”

“Mr. Stark? I thought I finally had you calling me Tony. Please, take a seat,” Tony asked and Pepper sat down next to him but took a nervous look around the room.

“So I understand you wanted me here for my three month evaluation.”

“That’s right. Though here at Stark Industries we do things a little differently,” at that, Pepper raised her eyebrows and looked like she was about to tell Tony just where he could shove his evaluations if this was another attempt to get her into bed. “No hold on, that’s not what this is…unless you want it to be.”

“Mr. Stark, need I remind you I am not afraid to file a harassment-”

“Wait a second, let me tell you why I really wanted you here. Now, you’ve only been working for me three months now but I’m really impressed with your work. I wanted to let you know that your position as my assistant is pretty secure now and I don’t expect to be replacing you any time soon.”

“That’s good to hear.”

“I’d hope so. Since you’re position is relatively permanent, I thought it was important for you to know about the most important thing in my life. It’s also is one of my biggest secrets. If you’re going to work for me at the level I expect from now on, you’re going to have to know about this.”

“Mr. Stark, I’m not sure I understand,” frowned Pepper. Tony suddenly became very serious.

“Pepper, what I’m about to show you requires confidentiality of the highest kind. Only four people know about this and that does not include my own father. Think of this as a test- your three-month evaluations exam. Darcy!” Tony called out before Pepper could ask any questions. The little girl rushed into the room and Tony stood up to meet her half way. To his amusement, she stopped and hid behind his legs. For some reason, she’d become shy despite leaping around the house all day unable to wait until she saw Pepper again. Her swinging moods never ceased to baffle him.

“Miss Potts, meet Darcy. My daughter. Say hi Darcy.”

“Hi Miss Potts,” Darcy waved hello and smiled bashfully. 

“Hi there sweetie,” Pepper answered, an expression of bewilderment on her face as she looked between Darcy and Tony. Suddenly, the similarities between them started to register and she slid off the couch to kneel in front of Darcy.

“Darcy, do you want to show Pepper the picture you drew?” urged Tony, pushing the little girl out from behind his legs.

“You drew a picture?” asked Pepper, hoping to sooth the girl’s nerves even if her own were fraying rapidly. Suddenly, Darcy gained her courage and walked the rest of the way towards Pepper, extended the drawing she’d spent the morning perfecting.

“Yes, this is you,” Darcy pointed to a simple woman wearing a black block dress and had a mop of red hair. “This is me and this is JARVIS. You can have it.”

Thanking Darcy, Pepper looked at the figures the girl had drawn. Remembering the AI that had introduced itself to her, she couldn’t help but hold in a laugh at seeing the blonde man that had to be what Darcy thought JARVIS looked like in human form. All the people were holding hands and stood on what she determined was a beach.

“It’s beautiful Darcy, I’ll put in on my desk so everyone can see it,” promised Pepper, feeling something melt inside her at Darcy’s grin. The little girl rushed towards Pepper and threw her arms around in a hug that was happily returned.

“I thought the two of you could get to know each other. You did promise her an ice cream the next time you were supposed to get together. Unless you had plans tonight? You didn’t properly RSVP to my party but I won’t hold that against you.”

“No, no I didn’t have any real plans other than your party,” admitted Pepper, still trying to process the situation.

“Good, because my birthdays tend to get a bit rowdy and Darcy’s nanny has the night off. I’ve got a suite rented at the Ritz in Marina Del Rey for you two. Darcy likes looking at the boats and there’s a place near by that serves some great garlic crusted salmon.”

“No, I want a cheeseburger!”

“Five star service and famous chiefs from France but you want a cheeseburger?” Tony raised an eyebrow at the smiling girl who just shrugged. He ruffled her hair a bit and poked a ticklish rib, causing her to squeak in delight.  

“Hotel? Marina Del Rey- that’s about an hour away right?” Pepper interrupted the scene, not entirely sure what Tony was expecting from her. In an attempt to gain some control, she stood up and looked Tony in the eye.

“We’re gonna have a sleep over!” bounced Darcy, eyes and curls dancing wildly.

“That all right with you? You know me, I like to assume and well, this is a big evaluation for you,” shrugged Tony, movement mirroring his daughter from just a few moments ago. Even though his eyes were brown, they danced with the same mischief as Darcy’s. It was practically eerie.  

“I don’t think this is how employee evaluations are supposed…” Pepper started but had her attention diverted back down to Darcy when a tiny hand tugged at her arm.

“Miss Potts, please go?” begged Darcy, large blue eyes all ready watering at the possibility that her play date might cancel. It made Pepper’s outrage at being a spontaneous nanny disappear and she had to admit that Tony’s daughter was a better manipulator that he was.

“No, no of course I’ll take you. It’ll be fun. I promise. And I don’t break my promises,” swore Pepper, earning another hug from the energetic child.

“Honeybee, why don’t you get your things? I just need to talk to Pepper for a little bit longer, okay?” Tony picked up Darcy so he could look her in the eyes.

“Okay daddy,” she smiled, giving him a peck on the lips before running off the moment her feet touched the ground.

“I may be a father but I’m still a man. It’s always nice to have a night where I can completely unwind.” 

Pepper looked at Tony as if she were seeing him for the first time. Before her stood a man so different from the irresponsible and rude loud mouth at work. Sure there were similarities but never in a thousand years would Pepper ever think Tony was capable of being a father figure to anyone, let alone being an actual father to a child. Yet, he’d seem so natural at it all. The way he talked to Darcy and held her spoke volumes of the loving relationship they obviously shared. Choosing to ignore the fact that Tony was still hedonistically boozing it up, Pepper fished for other answers.

“I thought she was just a daughter of a lower level employee…I never thought- that you even-”

“No one does. Who would think Tony Stark had a kid and was taking care of her?”

“Where’s her mother?”

“Dead.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. It was a one-night thing. I wasn’t even supposed to have custody of Darcy but there was an accident,” Tony stated matter of factly.

“How have you been able to keep her a secret from everyone for so long? Even your father?”

“It hasn’t been easy. Which is one of the reasons why I wanted someone else on board. She’ll need a teacher soon and I was hoping you could find someone suitable. Also, she needs to get out more. I don’t let her out too much just because of paparazzi and she’s getting stir crazy. Besides, she needs more female figures. The only other woman around is her nanny. Anyway, we can talk about security issues more after tonight.”

“I, um, I’ll see what I can do. But Tony I don’t think-”

“Can you guarantee that you’ll do whatever is in your power to keep her safe?” Tony asked suddenly looking very somber. It was a strange look on him and Pepper wasn’t sure she would get used to seeing that expression on his face.

“Yes, I promise,” Pepper swore and she truly meant it.

“Then that’s all I need to know. Now, Happy can swing by your place so you can pack a bag and then the two of you will be off on your adventure. Any charges can be put on the company card. The little imp will probably insist on Burger King. Ronald McDonald scares her. Oh and before I forget, a list of things to know,” Tony pulled out a folded piece of paper from his pocket. Unfolding the note, Pepper read over the handwritten advice of how to handle Darcy.

“Read the illustrated _Pride & Prejudice_ or _Advanced Electrical Engineering_ textbook if she can’t fall asleep. Remember to do the voices? How do you do voices for an engineering textbook?”

 “It’s written by more than one guy. You start to figure out when there’s a shift. Happy’ll have those in the car but if you just get Darcy to run around enough she’ll collapse no problem. It’ll be like taking care of me and you’ve had a good amount of practice with that. We’ve got the same attention span, sleep patterns and general propensity for causing damage.”

“So she’s essentially it’s you but more compact and much cuter.”

“I think I should be slightly offended but yes.”

“Tony, are you sure about me watching her overnight?” Pepper asked, looking back down at the picture in her hands and tracing the brown hair of the Darcy figure. Maybe she should be angrier that she was suddenly in charge of a child she hardly knew for the next 24 hours but fear was running through her system instead. This was _Tony Stark’s_ secret daughter. What if she wasn’t as secret as they thought and someone was waiting to snatch her? What if some random person snatched her anyway? Or if she didn’t like Pepper and spent the whole night crying for her father?

“I know you the two of you will be inseparable by tomorrow morning,” smiled Tony knowingly. Suddenly, he clapped his hands together and smirked.

“Now, I am expecting a rather large shipment of instant jell-o. Was thinking of making my whole pool one big jell-o shot,” rubbing his hands together, Tony shoved Pepper out towards Happy. _That_ was the Tony Stark that Pepper knew.  

 

>~~~~< 

 

"Good morning sir and happy birthday. It is now 7:30 in Malibu and another sunny day is to be expected. Currently, outside it’s 73 degrees. The surf conditions are fair with waist to shoulder high waves and high tide is at 10:35 AM. Your breakfast tray is set next to you along with a few other birthday accessories and Darcy is already waiting on video call," JARVIS announced, waking Tony sharply from his restless sleep. Looking through bleary eyes, Tony took in the bright light streaming through the large windows and a small table next to his bed that had a tray full of delicious and aromatic food.

"Thanks JARVIS," Tony yawned, wishing he could have had a few more hours to sleep. He wasn't looking forward to the day, what with having to deal with Ivan Vanko the day before, his birthday party full of people he probably didn’t remember that night and his dying soon.

"Would you like me to connect you to Darcy?"

"Uh, hold on a second," Tony ran to take a quick pee and throw on his smoking jacket just in case Darcy noticed the poisoned veins in his neck. There wasn't a point in worrying Darcy. He wanted her to remember him as he was before his palladium poisoning and not treat him like damaged goods. Once he was settled in the middle of the bed, neck hidden and a food tray full of what looked like a Mexican brunch on his lap, Tony gave JARVIS the okay to initialize the video link. Soon, Darcy's beautiful face was on his windows that doubled as a screen.

"Morning! Happy Birthday!" Darcy exclaimed and punctuated the wish by blowing on a party horn. Grinning from ear to ear, she waved at Tony and wore a pointy Iron Man party hat. "How you doing old man?"

"I'm doing fine, honeybee. So what's on the menu this year?" Tony asked, looking down at a tomato and egg dish, quartered tortillas, mug of coffee and a mimosa. He went straight for the mimosa.

"First, you need to open your goody bag."

Tony did as he was told and found a cheap, pink tiara that said 'Birthday Princess' on the front, a sheet of generic robot stickers, some finger monster puppets, a bottle of bubble soap and a bubble pipe and a bouncy ball. Without missing a beat, Tony put on the tiara.

"Nice selection. I fully intend to use my bubble pipe at the party. And I think with these finger puppets, I will be able to gain the respect of any difficult employee."

"If they don't listen to a rubber finger monster then they're a heathen with no morals whatsoever."

"So what's with the goody bag anyway?"

" I went out to the nearest Walmart to get some more exotic pop tarts for the boss lady and ingredients for you, saw a Party City and couldn't help myself. Nearest Walmart by the way, an hour away. Which leads me to the explanation as to why I can't be there. Kind of accidently spilled coffee on one of Jane's devices and now it sparks every so often. I fixed it for the most part but she's still angry. Didn't think it would be good to jet off to Malibu when she didn't forgive me yet. Thought I'd be responsible and at least get some ass kissing in.”

“Hey, responsibility is for quitters.”

“I know but she _does_ have the power to deny me credits. So I’m stuck in the land of enchantment, at least that’s what all the license plates tell me. Pepper thought it would be sort of the same if I jetted off some food I made, instead of me.”

"I guess this will have to do. You having your customary burger and ice cream lunch with Pep today? Still want photos of her eating a burger by the way. I refuse to believe it till I have visible proof.”

“Yes and you’ve had years to try and sneak a picture so get over it. I bought ice cream at Walmart and will be picking up an order of burgers at the diner. You’d think the scientists I’m babysitting would feel spoiled with excess food but Jane doesn’t seem to be able to tell an omelet and a bowl of cereal apart on her better days. Oddly enough she’s practically a Pop Tart connoisseur. Seriously, she just needs to sniff one and can tell you what flavor.”

“If you'd just taken a science class like you said you would then you could have jetted over from Culver. There’s a science man here in Malibu that appreciates the difference between eggs and cheap jam envelopes," Tony sniffed as if he were offended, causing Darcy to roll her eyes. Truth be told, he was a little relieved that she wouldn't be there for his birthday party. It would have been nice to have his daughter with him for what was likely to be one of his few days left on earth but Darcy would watch him for half an hour and realise that something was wrong. At least he could put up a better facade this way. And she couldn’t tug at his collar for a peak through a computer.

"I know you're not thrilled about my Political Science major but we all can't be saving the world with our own home made super suit on steroids."

"I blame Pepper for getting you so interested in the world. All those aid missions to third world countries. I could have just sent over some cash aid."

"It was character building. And it stopped me from becoming a completely spoiled entitled brat. So you should thank her."

"I'm a spoiled and entitled brat and I doing fine!” That earned him another eye roll. “But hey, you may not be an engineer in the workshop but you do cook a mean omelet. So, what's on the menu today?"

"Huevos Rancheros. Had it my first morning here and thought it was even better than some of the Mexican places over there. I asked and they said the put in some special ingredients that I never thought of."

Without further encouragement, Tony took a large mouthful of the meal and mid-chew, his eyes grew to the size of espresso cup saucers. The eggs, tomato, spices and avocado combination was delicious. He took a piece of tortilla and dipped it into the egg yolk.

"Darce, these are amazing."

"Really? Good," Darcy looked relieved. "I undercooked it a bit because I knew it would be warmed up again anyway and wasn't sure if the reheating would ruin the eggs."

"Nope, eggs are perfect. Everything is perfect. Thanks honey."

"It's your birthday. Would you expect any less?" insisted Darcy. "Though that reminds me. For my birthday, I want a pirate themed party. I know it's a bit overdone but it's a classic."

"Anything you want," Tony promised, hating himself because it felt hollow in his ears. "Hell, we can even steal a yacht. I vote for Hammer's. He's being a real pain in my ass. More so than usual."

"Done. I'll dress up like Jack Sparrow and lead a mutiny. I'll even make him walk the plank. Give him a pistol with one bullet and leave him near a dessert island."

"Why can't I be Jack Sparrow? You can be Elizabeth. I already drink enough rum to qualify." 

"You can be Barbossa. We'll get you a monkey," offered Darcy. Tony thought about it for a moment.

"I'm sold, but only if the monkey craps on Hammer before we push him overboard," Tony made her swear and she put her hand over her heart with a laugh. He loved her laugh and was surprised he'd never realized how musical it sounded. Or the way her grin could light up a room, even hundreds of miles away. It was bittersweet but it was the best way he could ever imagine starting the day- especially one like this. He wished he could stay like this for a while longer. Carefree and joking over the various ways to humiliate Hammer as pirates and not remembering how he was a pathetic dying man with poison visible in his veins. When Darcy waved goodbye after breakfast was finished, Tony took in every detail of her bright face before the screen went blank. It was only after she was gone that he could finally say goodbye too, wiping away a tear that he'd never admit to shedding. 


	3. Christmas Capers

In his workshop, Tony was putting the final touches to one of Darcy's Christmas presents. The past year, Darcy grew obsessed with the movie _Toy Story_ so he decided to give her some rather tech advanced versions of the toys. Since he had yet to receive the final set of personalized voice recordings from Tom Hanks, he decided to finish up the Buzz Lightyear toy.  

"Sir, it seems Happy and Darcy have arrived back from their excursion early but young Miss Darcy is crying." JARVIS announced, making Tony look up from the chip he was altering.

"Crying? Why?"

"I'm not entirely sure sir but from her tone I have been able to discern they are tears of anger and despair. Happy has not been successful in placating Miss Darcy and I fear a temper tantrum is approaching."

"Okay, I'm heading up," he answered, hiding the toys just in case he had to bring Darcy down to the workshop. Walking up towards the guest living room, Tony heard Darcy before he saw her. It amazed him just how far a screaming child's voice could carry, even through what was supposed to be soundproofed walls.

“Now, it's complicated, but just listen and you'll understand," Happy was on his knees and pleading with the six-year-old sitting on the long white sofa, close to breaking the sound barrier.

"What's so complicated?" asked Tony, his presence didn't soothe Darcy but it made Happy sighed in relief. Getting up, he walked over to Tony to try and whisper over the screaming.

"After she got her picture taken with Santa we went to get an ice cream and she wandered off when I was paying and saw the Santas changing shifts," Happy explained, causing Tony's eyebrows to raise and the little girl's screaming to reach a pitch that Tony wasn't previously aware was reachable with human vocal chords.

"Now Darcy, calm down. There's a simple explanation for all this," Tony got on his knees to look Darcy in the eyes. The little girl jumped off the couch and narrowed her eyes at her father.

"There's no Santa! And no Rudolph!" she accused. Tony was relieved that she wasn't screaming anymore but there were still long, wet tearstains on her cheeks and snot running out her nose. Taking out the rag from his back pocket, he wiped her face clean with a clean section and continued to reason.

"Of course there is."

"Liar, liar pants on fire! You're lying to me daddy!" Darcy shouted, crossing her arms and pouting angrily. She stared down Tony in a way that he was sure she'd picked up from Pepper. Pep would have been proud.

"No! I'm not!" Tony promised, a little surprised at his own conviction. It technically _was_ a lie but this was supposed to be a good lie! A happy lie! One that, once he revealed the truth, would be laughed about by them because she'd be old enough to not care who she got presents from, as long as she got them.

"But I saw! I saw! It was a fat man with a fake beard! Two fat men! And you said unless you prove it, it's not real! Prove it!"

"Honeybee, now, I'm not entirely sure what you saw but, um, Santa's very busy. Especially this time of the year. Toy making, elf regulating, reindeer physicals, plotting out his routes. So, he sends out his friends to pretend to be him. But only because he can't be everywhere at once. They report back to him so he can make sure he has exactly what all the good children want," explained Tony, impressed with his own quick thinking but it didn't seem that Darcy bought it. Seriously, sometimes she was harder to convince than the judges he had to talk to during his various lawsuits. Maybe he'd need to call in his lawyer if Darcy continued to demand he back up everything he said with hard evidence. Obviously, teaching her some basic scientific theory was biting him in the ass.

"I don't believe you."

"He's real. I've seen him. I, uh, I've made some...updates for his reindeer and sleigh. You know, to help them go faster what with so many kids nowadays. The Starks and the Clauses have had many business transactions over the years," lied Tony, not entirely sure where he was going with this.

"Really?"

"Really."

"Can I meet him?"

"Uh, like I said, he's too busy right now, honey."

"Are you lying again?" Darcy asked and Tony could tell she was about to go on another screaming tantrum.

"Wait, wait! How about, we wait up for him on Christmas Eve? He won't have a lot of time to stick around but you can get a look at him and then will you believe me?" Tony asked, fighting the urge to wince because Darcy seemed to size him up.

"We can wait up all night?"

"Yep, until he gets here."

"You won't try to make me fall asleep before he comes? Because if you do, I know you're lying," her last few word were said in a higher pitch, another sure sign she was about to go into hysterics. 

"No, I would never," promised Tony, sour that she'd figured out his plan. On difficult days, he cursed genes and the fact that Darcy inherited the Stark family proclivity for rationality. And stubbornness. After they sealed the deal with a pinky swear, Tony sent Darcy off to her colouring books.

"Sorry about that. She just ran off when I turned my back," Happy explained.

"Can't say I completely blame you. She's a sneaky little imp when she wants to be."

"So, will we wait till she falls asleep to put out the presents again this year?" Happy asked uncertainly.

"No, we do that then she'll throw a temper tantrum loud enough to anger all dogs within a twenty mile radius," reasoned Tony.

"So what? We hire someone to play Santa on Christmas Eve?" Happy suggested with a chuckle, like it was the most ridiculous idea in the world but Tony smiled.

"That is exactly what we do."

 

>~~~~< 

 

"You know, I feel kind of bad for Happy," Darcy mentioned as she and Tony poked their heads up from behind the couch.

"I always give him something extra in his holiday bonus for it," whispered Tony, scanning the area with the Nerf gun he had fit with a scope and laser pointer. "Besides, what's Christmas without Claus hunting?"

"I heard, and this may be heresy, that normal families, don't hire someone to dress up as Santa so they can hunt them down," Darcy whispered dramatically. 

"Hunt down? That’s a bit harsh.”

“It’s true.”

“Hey, I'm not the one who drew a crayon blueprint of a Rube Goldberg style trap when she was six because she wanted to interrogate Santa Claus."

"And I'm not the one who actually helped his six year old tie up an actor so she carry out said interrogation," Darcy shot back. She was ten and just starting to settle into the Stark family snark, much like a child grew into their oversized facial features. It was actually kind of sweet.

"If I didn't, you would have screamed till my ears bled and we wouldn't have this wonderful little tradition, would we? Now can we please enjoy this for what it truly is? A celebration of all things good and holy about America."

"I don't think- wait, I hear something." They both ducked behind the couch as they waited for the sound of footsteps to come closer. When Happy stepped through the rigged sleigh bells that Darcy had set up as a warning system, they immediately jumped over the couch with a yell. Before Happy could react, Darcy had shot off her Nerf gun so one dart bounced off his forehead and the others set off the complicated chain events she'd designed. Just as Happy turned to run out of the room, a lawn reindeer slid in front of his exit path and he turned around to look for another way out when a punching bag knocked him backwards. Sighing in resignation, Happy raised his hands in surrender as soon as Tony trained the laser pointer on his forehead.

"You know, it would have been nice if you'd let me eat the cookies and drink that glass of Scotch first," he stated, accepting the hand Darcy offered him. If there ever was to be a clue from Darcy’s early years that Santa wasn’t real, leaving out daddy’s best Scotch instead of milk should have tipped her off.

"Sorry. Faster we get this done, the faster we can open presents," explained Darcy, giving Happy an apologetic hug and wishing a 'Merry Christmas', which was reciprocated warmly. He helped her take down the punching bag so it didn’t stay swinging wildly in the air.

"And you'll enjoy the cookies and Scotch more if you're not being knocked down by a punching bag at the same time," Tony reasoned, opening the sack of presents and sorting them out.

"I have to admit, last year's trap was a little more impressive, not that I don't like this one," Happy was looking at the series of fishing line, pots, dominoes, a lawn reindeer and various other bits and pieces Darcy had taken from around the house. Every year, Darcy would draw up a new plan to capture Santa Claus but with Tony's restrictions that she had to build it with everyday objects from around the house (Tony’s inventions not included). It was a learning exercise and a more exciting way to spend Christmas Eve.

"Yeah well, Pepper says I'm not allowed to build any more cage type structures," Darcy pouted.

"With good reason too," Pepper announced, walking in holding a tray with mugs full of hot chocolates and a plate of snickerdoodles and gingerbread cookies. "Though I'm impressed you were able to make everything blend in. But that's the only thing you're getting from me and don't think of it as encouragement."

"It's encouragement," clarified Tony, avoiding Pepper's glare and picking up his favorite mug. The white mug read ‘Daddy & Me’ above a limbed little red and even smaller pink ‘person’, made from the thumbprints of Tony and a five-year-old Darcy. He took out his flask and poured peppermint schnapps into it, doing the same for the mug Happy picked. With an innocent smile, Darcy held out her *N Sync mug she'd got from Pepper on her last birthday. Tony just raised his eyebrow.

"Are those guys even old enough to drink?" Tony asked, pointing at the smiling faces. It was physically painful at times to look at her in any of the *N Sync memorabilia she wore or carried around, but he convinced himself it was a phase she'd grow out of. It was strange to think she had a crush on any of the members, no matter how innocent it was. He didn't like it but he wasn't going to argue against it. Hopefully, she'd continue to only think boys were cute from afar and never even consider touching one.

"Yes," Darcy rolled her eyes but smiled when Happy handed her his present. It was obviously a poster and Tony sighed, wondering how many posters of a boy band one girl needed to plaster all across her room? At least Pepper would be the one to take Darcy to the *N Sync concert. He drew the line at having to sit through their songs live. Or as live as it would be for a band who didn't play their own instruments. Running a finger over the edges of the envelope holding the backstage passes sitting in his pocket, Tony thought about the squeal Darcy was going to let out when she saw the present. A jab to his side brought him out of his musing.

“Open mine first,” urged Darcy, waving a red box and causing Tony to smile widely. Putting down his hot chocolate, Tony grabbed the present with one hand and a cookie with the other as he looked at the three people who made up his family now. In this moment he didn’t want anything else.

 


	4. Dalek Duty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which I combine ALL the fandoms.

A high-pitched, blood-curdling scream tugged Tony away from the blueprint he was tweaking. It took a moment for him to break concentration and realize that it was Darcy. Before he could fully process what he was doing, he sprinted from his workshop towards her room. Once he had reached the top of the staircase leading from the workshop, a swiftly moving body raced towards his chest. Tony didn’t waste time and caught the little girl as she jumped into his arms. Trying to calm her shaking as well as his pounding heart, Tony held Darcy tightly and whispered soothing nothings into her ear.

“Hey there, what’s wrong?” asked Tony once he had calmed down. If there had been a real threat, he assumed JARVIS would have spoken up by now.

“The Daleks! A Dalek! There’s a Dalek and it’s gonna exterminate!” cried Darcy, hot tears streaming down her cheeks.

“Shh, calm down. Nothing’s going to get you. There aren’t any Daleks in the house,” promised Tony, making a note to wait a few years before letting her watch Doctor Who again. Apparently too scary for 5-year-olds. Or at least the Dalek focused episodes.

“No! It’s in the closet!” continued Darcy, shaking her head as she used Tony’s shirt to wipe away some of her snot. Charming.

“JARVIS?”

“Sir I have scanned the whole perimeter and there are no signs of extraterrestrial life, Dalek or otherwise,” confirmed the AI.

“See, there’s nothing to worry about,” Tony assured, already carrying Darcy back to her bedroom. The child squirmed in protest and continued to insist that they had tricked JARVIS the whole the way back. By the time they had reached her bedroom, her tears had stopped but she was still wary about entering her bedroom.

“I’m going to look everywhere for these Daleks and I promise you we’re not going to find any. Then you’re going to bed,” Tony sat Darcy down on her bed and had to suppress a laugh when she burrowed under the covers.

“No daddy, it’s gonna kill you!” 

“We are not going to be killed by Daleks. Now, where do you think you saw it? Closet?” He walked confidently over to the closed closet doors, taking time to look over and find Darcy watching him through a small hole in her protective covers. Rather dramatically, he flung the doors open, which made Darcy squeal a little.

“See, nothing, just your toys and clothes. No nasty Daleks,” Tony stated as he pretended to examine it closely.

“What about under the bed? Or the window!” Darcy started to list, voice muffled by all the blankets. Sighing, Tony went to check all the places Darcy continued to name and of course found each location, however unlikely it would have been to house a Dalek, to be clear. Still, when Tony tried to leave, Darcy clung onto his arm.

“You’re not sleeping here tonight, are you?” asked Tony, though he seemed to be resigning himself to the fact rather than asking.

“No,” confirmed Darcy. Deciding to not waste any more time on a Dalek hunt, Tony picked up Darcy, still wrapped in her blankets, as well as a pillow and headed back to the workshop.

“Well you need to sleep. You’re spending the day with the old man tomorrow. Can’t have him shouting at me that you’re not getting enough sleep, can we?” Tony still hadn’t decided if he was relieved at having another person willing to watch Darcy or if he still resented the fact that his father had found out about Darcy in the first place and butted in whenever he saw the chance to criticize Tony’s parenting.

“But the Daleks?”

“Can’t go up and down stairs. And we’ll be downstairs so no problem. Also, Dummy can get in between the line of fire so we can escape. It’ll be an honor for him to die in battle,” assured Tony, biting back a smile when he noticed the bundle in his arms was jutting out her lip in concentration at trying to decide if there was validity in the statement.

“Okay,” sighed Darcy, knowing that she was better off with her father than alone. Eventually, Tony got Darcy comfortable enough in his Ford Flathead with Dummy standing guard and she feel asleep within 10 minutes. For the rest of the night until he lay his head down on his desk for nap that lasted till morning, Tony balanced working on blue prints and making a list of Dalek dodging moves he’d teach Darcy.

 

>~~~~< 

 

The next day, Tony had promised Howard that he’d be back home by 7 for Darcy’s drop off. Unfortunately, traffic was causing him to run late. Traffic and a blonde socialite that had taken longer to woo than Tony originally thought. It was 7:47 when Tony finally got home and he was rather displeased to not see Darcy around but his father sitting solemnly at the dining room table.

“Hey dad,” Tony greeted.

“Tony,” answered Howard curtly, gesturing at a chair next to him. Tony knew that gesture. It was the ‘sit down, you’re in trouble and we need to talk’ arm gesture. Really, he thought he’d no longer have to be ushered into a chair to have a talk once he turned 18. It had happened a lot more now that he was officially an adult than it did when he was a kid. 

“I called you and said I was going to be late,” Tony started to whine as he plopped down in the chair rather childishly with a slump to his shoulders.

“It’s not about that. It’s about what you’ve been letting Darcy watch. This, Doctor business. I don’t know what sort of show it is but it’s obviously not for 5 year olds.”

“Doctor Who? This is about Doctor Who? Which is a great show by the way. Besides it wasn’t the Doctor that upset her, it was the Daleks,” Tony argued. Normally, he’d have to agree that waiting a few years before letting Darcy watch more Doctor Who was a good idea but Tony lived to disagree with this father.

“It doesn’t matter what detail that upset her. You know, I wasn’t expecting our dinner at Chuck E Cheese to take such a somber turn. There she was, after I had somehow wrangled her away from the Whac-A-Mole to our booth, and she was almost crying over her pizza because she saw a peppershaker. Can you explain that?”

“Daleks…sort of look like peppershaker alien things with plungers,” Tony admitted, memories of his childhood flooding his mind. He hated feeling like this. Like he was always in trouble and could never make his father even a fraction content. Tony was starting to get tired with Howard butting into his life. At work it was a little understandable but this was his daughter. Tony would raise Darcy as he saw fit.

“I have to ask, what sort of alien looks like a peppershaker? What damage can a peppershaker do?”

“They have lasers!” Tony insisted.

“Darcy said they couldn’t go up and down stairs. What’s so scary about an alien that’s defeated by stairs?”

“Hey, can we stop analyzing the low budget of Doctor Who and talk about how you’re trying to tell me how to raise my daughter?” Tony snapped, earning a nasty look from Howard.

“I’m not telling you how to raise your daughter. I’m suggesting you do it better.”

“That’s the same thing,” growled Tony.

“Not if I have to clean up your mess like I’ve been doing your whole life.”

“Are you suggesting Darcy’s a mess?”

“No, I’m saying that I have to constantly make sure you’re not scarring her permanently.”

“Because you did such a fantastic job raising me? Oh wait, that was mom,” spat Tony, pounding his hand on the table and rising. Howard followed suit.

“Don’t make this about you Tony. This is about Darcy and I will make sure that she grows up to be a happy and successful young woman if it’s the last thing I do. She won’t do that is she’s scared of every little thing because her father made her watch dumb TV shows or is distrustful because her father slept with anything with breasts. I know it wasn’t just traffic that kept you back Tony. Don’t even think about trying to lie to me,” Howard’s voice was starting to rise and it was egging Tony on in the worst possible way.

“I _am_ going to make this about me dad. All because you feel bad that you were a shitty absentee father doesn’t mean you can make it all up by trying to raise _my_ daughter. You fucked up, now deal with it. But leave me to raise my daughter the way I want to because you sure as hell don’t have a say in it!” 

“Anthony, you have a child now,” Howard said with an irritated sigh. “You need to take a closer look at those so-called morals you use to live your everyday life. I admit that I wasn’t the perfect father but I did the best I could. I know you think you’re giving your 110% but you’re not!”

“Don’t you dare tell me if I’m giving my 110% or not!” Tony was seething at the phrase that he had been hearing all his life. The two men were staring each other down, waiting for the first physical movement. At this point, Tony wasn’t sure if it would be a hit or just him kicking his father out. Years of repressed anger and resentment was boiling over now and he had been waiting for so long to finally get it off his chest. The suspense was killed when they heard a small voice at the doorway.

“Hi daddy,” Darcy announced her presence timidly, wear red pajamas and holding onto a round plastic disc. There was a blue tiara shaped headband on her head that had a sparkly A on the front. It was like the headgear choice of Captain America if Captain America was a girl and a princess.

“Hey there honey,” Tony stifled his anger and put on a fake grin, hoping she hadn’t heard too much of the fight. He reached his arms out towards her. “Ready for bed?”

The little girl nodded shyly, walking towards her father rather tentatively. It hurt Tony a bit but he had also been scared of his father as a little boy after watching him shout. Once Darcy was within reach, Tony picked her up and gave her a hug.

“Enjoy your day with gramps?”

“Yeah! He got me a Captain America shield. He says no Daleks can get me when I have it,” smiled Darcy as she held up the plastic shield so Tony could get a better look.

“Oh, uh, course. One thing a Dalek’s laser can't destroy. Captain America’s shield,” Tony encouraged though he was working out whether or not vibranium was really susceptible to Dalek lasers. It wouldn’t do any good to get Darcy frightened again so he kept his mouth shut. Still, Tony resented the fact that his father had been able to soothe Darcy with a story about Captain America and a plastic shield. He would still go through Dalek Dodging 101 with her of course. _He_ would raise Darcy as _he_ saw fit.

“Pop pop says if I’m really good, maybe I can meet him!” Darcy’s hopeful blue eyes grew wider at the prospect.

“That’s right, now did you brush your teeth like you promised?” Howard asked.

“Yes!”

“Well I see more Captain America stories in your future,” Howard said, making Darcy grin.

“Yay! Captain America is awesome!” cheered Darcy. The whole situation was making Tony uncomfortable. He wasn’t sure how he felt about Howard hoisting his obsessions with Captain America onto Darcy. It may have been different for Howard as he did know the original soldier but he’d got to a point of near idolization with the man the more and more futile his occasional searches for the body were. Howard insisted that Steve Rogers might still be alive. Tony felt his father was just clinging onto the past. Darcy didn’t need to start believing that a man from the forties who probably froze to death was alive and waiting for a true love’s kiss or something.  

“Hey, you head to bed and I’ll be there in a second. Just need to finish talking to gramps here.”

“Will you check for Daleks?” Darcy asked earnestly. Even with her shield, she wanted to make extra sure her room was Dalek free.

“Of course, now off you go.”

After Darcy exchanged hugs and kisses with Howard, the little girl ran off to bed, pretending to deflect Dalek lasers along the way. When he was sure she was out of range, Tony turned back to Howard.

“Captain America?”

“He was- is, a good man. Someone Darcy would do good to look up to.”

“You mean to idolize like a god? Look dad, I know you’re upset you never found the body but you got to let this go. You were talking about cleaning up my messes? What about making messes of your own? Is handing over your obsessions about Captain America all that healthy?” challenged Tony, crossing his arms in a somewhat smug manner. Howard didn’t rise to the bait.

“I know you don’t believe that Steve is still out there but I stand by what I’ve said. He’s a good role model. Darcy needs more of those in her life. Also, if I recall you enjoyed my occasional stories about him.”

“Yeah, then I grew up,” frowned Tony, irked that this was going back to his inability to be a good father.

“To watch TV shows about killer peppershakers?” teased Howard.

“Daleks are a legitimate TV threat. Who, by the way, probably could destroy Captain America and his all American grin,” started Tony but suddenly, his body felt a little weary. He decided to do something he had never done before- step down and willingly let his father win this round. In the end, it was about raising Darcy and Tony was going to do the best job he could. It didn’t matter who thought he was a bad father because Darcy loved him and he loved her. _That’s_ what mattered.

“You know what, you win this time okay? We’re never going to get anywhere so you win. Captain America can defeat Daleks with his wholesome cheeks of American values. I’m a shit father but I’ll do better next time. Happy?”

“You’re not a shit father Tony. Just a new one. And thank you. I think that’s the most mature thing you’ve ever done in your life,” Howard smiled briefly before debating the amount of physicality to initiate. He ended up just squeezing Tony’s shoulder and said goodnight as he made his way out.

 

 

>~~~< 

 

When Tony wanted Darcy to grow out of her *N Sync phase, he hadn’t realised it would mean she’d become obsessed with Avril Lavigne. While he would admit that this Canadian faux-rocker was a tad easier on the ears then the musical styling of *N Sync’s production team, she still was no Ram Jam (let it be known that if Tony had been able to name his daughter, he would have chosen Betty). Hell, she was no Alanis Morrissette either but if Lavigne was to be a gateway to bigger and better things musically, then Tony was all for it.

Then Darcy started blasting Good Charlotte and Simple Plan from her room and he lost hope. After telling Pepper his thoughts about Darcy’s continued abysmal taste in music, she countered by asking him what the real difference was between the classic rock he used to rebel and Darcy’s pop rock. This led to a lengthy discussion (and it still wasn’t known who won the argument) wherein _War Pigs, Tuesday’s Gone, Iron Man_ and _Fear of the Dark_ were thrown along with passion, freedom, thoughtful lyrics and playing a guitar so it sang like a banshee having an orgasm. Pepper simply asked Tony if he wanted his daughter to listen to a banshee having an orgasm and left the room. He wasn’t entirely sure what point she was trying to make.

But in the end, like normal, Tony gave some thought to what Pepper had said and accepted it. The story he liked to tell of his first encounter with rock music wasn’t entirely true. As much as he claimed an enthusiastic son of an engineering genius and inventor was simply curious about a band that would name themselves after electrical currents, the real reason Tony blasted 70s rock and metal from his room was to annoy his father. It was all angry nonsense and noise as far as Howard Stark was concerned and it didn’t have any place for someone trying to think about solving anything worthwhile. And so the music got louder the more Tony decided his father’s approval wasn’t worth shit.

And maybe that’s what we was afraid of with Darcy. He was scared that she was suddenly angry with him even though he did everything he could to make her happy.  Admittedly, the music she enjoyed wasn’t noise; it just wasn’t very good in his opinion. He had his arguments lined up on the proper use of riffs, solos and levels of distortion but when it came down to it, it meant that Darcy was trying to rebel. From what? He wasn’t entirely sure. The songs she listened to weren’t very good at directing their anger towards a cohesive…thing. It was all anger directed at society for not accepting them because they wanted to wear baggy clothes and skateboard and shoplift all day. New voices for a new generation of rebels, Tony supposed. Darcy’s pop rock was to Tony’s metal was to Howard’s jazz. At least they didn’t seem to be singing about taking crack so he could wait on that conversation.

But back to the rebelling. What did Darcy need to rebel against anyway? She was 12 when this all started for fuck’s sake and lived a very cushy life. The girl pretty much got whatever she wanted growing up and now she was attempting this…rebelling thing. He knew he should have never let her go to middle school with other kids her age. They were filling her head with crap. This was probably all because of her little friend Tammi.

Being the understanding and awesome father that he was, Tony decided to let Darcy explore this phase. It started subtly at first. The Spice Girls and *N Sync posters were taken down, slowly replaced by Avril Lavigne, Good Charlotte and Blink 182.  Pants got baggier, clothes got darker and Converses and Vans shoes seemed to be procreating all around the house. She straightened her hair, darkened the edges of her eyes and accessorized with ties and spikes. Nowadays, all she wanted was to hang out with her friends down at the mall or skate park. Hanging out with good old dad wasn’t cool anymore apparently. So, Tony let her go but he always made sure Happy or that private eye he hired was watching her and reporting back. Because that’s what good fathers did.

Eventually Pepper took him aside and assured him that Darcy wasn’t acting out because she hated him, she was acting out because she felt awkward and ugly and as if she didn’t belong anywhere. There wasn’t anything that Tony could say to change how Darcy felt so he needed to let her find herself, guide her when she let him or even not and be there when she realized her mistakes. Though maybe he should hire someone on permanently to keep them on Darcy’s trail when she hung out with her friends because that was just sensible. 

It was a good thing Tony had someone regularly follow Darcy because when she was 13, she broke her leg trying to skateboard down a tall ramp. Who knows what would have happened if it was just her irresponsible middle school friends around? She’d probably been left in a ditch to die. Tony would have blamed Tammi again for this too but the skinny blonde had been crying far more than Darcy when he finally arrived at the hospital so he supposed he’d blame gravity for the time being.

After what felt like weeks but was only really a few hours, Darcy was dispatched with a cast around her right leg and a prescription for some serious painkillers. They brought her home, placed her as comfortably on her bed as they could and ordered her to sleep. Pepper and Happy left the room but Tony stayed. He was nervous, looking for things to bring to her bedside that he thought she might want such as books, brainteasers and games. Every so often, he would linger at something he didn’t recognize or an object that was proof she was growing up. Even if he didn’t want to believe it.

Tony took in the posters of tattooed and moody individuals that now lined her walls. The only constant that had transferred over from the early days was Captain America posters. It was ironically comforting. He let fingers skim over dark shades of make up, skull and stripped wristbands, studded bracelets and a locked diary that read Punk Rock Princess on the cover. After staring at Avril Lavigne with a guitar around her neck, Tony considered buying Darcy her own guitar. Learning to play it would be better than watching TV all day. It would also help her emulate her idol in a less dangerous way than trying to skateboard down ramps that were way past her abilities. Or if she still wanted to skateboard, he’d get her that new Tony Hawk video game he’d been seeing ads for.

Tony didn’t want to admit it but that call had almost sent him into a panic attack and the thought of having her out of his sight again was frightening. She could easily hurt herself even more by falling out of bed or something equally simple and benign. JARVIS would let him know but that still wasn’t the same as him being there with her. Pepper had told him to guide her and be there when she made mistakes. This was sort of a big mistake so he wanted to be there for her, even if she probably didn’t want him around.

What stung even more was the realization that he hadn’t been around lately. Work was consuming his life. At least the bits of his life that didn’t involve heavy partying. With the war starting up a couple years ago, Stark Industries was booming. Perhaps he should have set more time aside for Darcy or forced her to spend time with him even though she acted like she didn’t care. Tony was losing touch with his daughter quickly. The pictures staring back at him from her wall was testament of that.

“D-dad?” Darcy groaned softly, shuffling around helplessly in her spot. Quickly, Tony made his way to her side and tried to help her settle down again.

“Yes? Anything you need? Water? Bathroom break? More blankets?”

“D- the, can, can you look? For Daleks? So they don’t get me? Or you,” she asked with a frown and slight fear in her unfocused eyes. The mention of their old bedtime ritual made Tony smile.

“Course I will,” he promised and made the exaggerated fuss he used to when she was a little girl.

“Hm, no Daleks in the closet. No Daleks in the drawers. I don’t see any hiding underneath your bed. They aren’t waiting outside the window. JARVIS? Any Dalek life forms?” Tony asked and the AI waited a moment, probably actually scanning for Daleks before answering. JARVIS was always thorough with Darcy’s child time rituals if he ever got the chance to be involved.

“No sir, but I will be sure to alert you if the status changes.”  

“Thanks. Uh, I don’t know where your shield is,” admitted Tony, wondering if she wanted her Captain America shield as well.

“Chest,” Darcy mumbled softly. Tony did was he was told and looked through the large chest at the edge of her bed. He found the now too small plastic shield and tucked it under her arm in a manner that he hoped wasn’t too uncomfortable to sleep in. Her special Captain America tiara was even next to the shield and he balanced it on top of her head, deciding once she was asleep he could sneak in and move it to the bedside table.

“I love you daddy,” Darcy claimed with a goofy, drug-induced smile. Despite him knowing the painkillers were a large explanation of how she was acting, it still tugged at his heart and made it ache a little. Sitting down next to her on the bed, Tony looked into Darcy’s eyes.

“I love you too honeybee,” he said sincerely and gave her a tight hug. Closing his eyes tight to stop the tear that wanted to fall, Tony buried his face in her hair before kissing the top of her head. “Now get some sleep, I promise the Daleks won’t get you. I’ll be here to save you if they try anything. I’ll always be there for you. From now on, I’ll always be here. Understood?”

“Thanks daddy.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> E/N: Hope you like the introduction of Howard Stark. Because really, how long can Tony keep a secret from his father without it blowing up in his face? Still a little worried about my characterisation of him but what's done is done. And this fic takes place before the revival of DW so they are talking about Classic Who.  
> E/N2: No insult towards Avril or any other band mentioned. Sk8ter Boi was my jam back in the day. And now I wish I had my old playstation so I can play Tony Hawk Pro.


	5. Lessons In Pop Culture

When Rhodey walked into the greasy spoon, he was mildly surprised to find Jimi Hendrix’s _Red House_ blasting out of the jukebox. If looking at the outside of the hole in the wall had put doubt in his mind that it may have been the wrong place then the music put it at ease. Unfortunately, Tony Stark was one of few people who knew that as a very young child, Rhodey wanted to grow up to be Jimi Hendrix. The man liked to exploit it whenever he could. It got tiring really fast but there was never a bad time to play Hendrix. A quick look around the completely empty diner and Rhodey spotted Tony sitting at a booth.

"Hey Major Tom."

"We don’t know that yet," Rhodey pointed out, but there was still a smile on his face when he greeted Tony.

“It’s only a matter of time,” Tony said, waving a hand and inviting Rhodey to sit across from him in the booth of the tiny diner he likely bought out for the afternoon. “Come, sit. Did you know this place has a White Russian pie? Best pie you’ll ever eat. I’m thinking about buying it.”

“A pie?” Rhodey asked, raising an eyebrow and sitting across from Tony. There was sadness behind his words. Subtle but undeniably hidden within the constant bravado. Rhodey noticed only because he’d been friends with Tony for so long.

“No, the place. Some renovations, a nice carpet to pull it all together, a name change- it could be a big hit. I was thinking of The Dude.”

“Is this really about pie? Or the number of pop culture references you can fit into the span of five minutes?” Rhodey asked, wondering if he should wave a waitress over to get coffee. During Tony’s brooding silence, a smiling waitress with too much makeup placed a mug in front of him along with a large cream pie and two empty plates. She put a large slice of pie on each plate before she took her leave. Taking a sip of his coffee while looking at what must have been the famous White Russian Pie, Rhodey was happy to find that it was exactly how he liked it: milk, one sugar. 

“You know,” Tony began distastefully, picking up his fork and starting to dig into his slice. “For once, I’d like it to just be about pie.”

“Me too,” sighed Rhodey, starting to dig into his own pie. “How did everything go with the lawyers? Everything was finalized last week, right?”

“Yeah,” Tony said, putting down his fork and gazing out the window. Rhodey let Tony take his time. He knew that the relationship between him and his father had been rocky on good days. A part of Rhodey wanted to say he knew what Tony was going through but the other half knew that he couldn’t even begin to imagine.

“You know what the last thing I said to him was?” asked Tony, anger starting to bubble under his voice. “I said he could fuck off. He was trying to tell me how to be a father again and I said he didn’t have the right or experience to tell anyone how to be a good father. Then I told him to fuck off. I don’t even regret it. Does that make me a bad son?”

“I think…” Rhodey began but trailed off to actually think. 

“Everything I did was a mistake,” Tony continued and Rhodey knew that his friend didn’t really want advice at the moment but someone to just listen. Tony didn’t open up about his childhood ever but occasionally he would rant and all he needed was someone to sit through it. Rhodey was good at that. “Or just not good enough. I make it into M.I.T. before I can legally drink and he still isn’t happy. The only damn thing I ever did that he didn’t hate was Darcy and that was an accident and even then, he still had something to say about me. You know,” Tony laughed bitterly. “I remember the first time he saw her. She was four? Maybe five? Somehow he figured out that I had a kid and kept it from him for so long. He was going on and on about, I don’t know, what he always did. How I was irresponsible, had no discipline, immature- he kept saying that with my ass all over the tabloids, I was a disgrace and could never be a good father.

“Then…then suddenly Darcy runs in, completely oblivious to him yelling and suddenly, he stops when he sees her. Darcy looks up at him for a second, thinking god knows what and then says ‘Want to play Legos?’ He bent down to pick her up and there was this look on his face. A look that I would have given anything to get when I was a little kid. It- just, it sort of twisted the knife you know?” There were tears starting to well in Tony’s eyes and Rhodey wished that he could find something, anything to say to help Tony move on and find peace with this demon. Taking a deep breath, Tony picked up his fork and began to eat. And just like that, the moment was gone and Rhodey knew the broken man had buried his emotions deep down so he didn’t have to face them.

“So,” Rhodey cleared his throat, not sure where to take the conversation. Tony had finished his first slice and was piling another one onto his plate. “How’s Darcy?”

“Rebelling. I think,” said Tony with a thoughtful frown. “She hasn’t been doing her homework, which isn’t like her. And she got called into the office for calling one of her teachers a- what was it? A bitch or something. I bought her a new TV.”

“She calls her teacher a bitch and you bought her a new TV? Shouldn’t you have grounded her?”

“That’s what Pepper said but Darcy explained her side of the story and I thought she had a good enough reason. She picked on one of Darcy’s new little friends.”

“Defending a friend or not, Darcy still called a teacher a bitch.”

“You’re starting to sound like Pepper. And Happy. Especially him because he was the one who had to go and pick her up and be all…fatherly. Him registered as her dad and everything. Can’t believe the tabloids haven’t seen through the fake paperwork on that by the way. Another thing my dad was bitching about.”

“You’re a talented counterfeiter. Or can hire them at least,” Rhodey pointed out. “But back to not punishing her.”

“I just don’t want her to keep hating me,” admitted Tony.

“She doesn’t hate you.”

“Coulda fooled me. This whole month it’s gotten worse but even before that, she’s been acting like I’m the devil. I think she blames me for my dad’s death. Like she knows about our fight. They were close you know.”

“I know. And I know that even though she may act like she hates you, she doesn’t. First, she’s twelve. It’s the age where they start to think they hate everyone. Second, you said yourself she was close to Howard. She’s probably mourning the only way she knows how. Third, she’s started a real school for the first time; she’s still learning how to properly socialize. So ground her for being rude to her teacher and wait it out.” 

“Pepper already did that. For two weeks. And then Pep said I needed to be stricter with her. I need to come up with ways to be more of a ‘guider of morals’ instead of rewarding her for anarchy,” Tony said waving a hand dramatically.

“I’m sure that’s very hard for you,” smirked Rhodey, happy that Tony was starting to climb out of his bad mood, even if it mean he had buried some important emotions that needed to be worked through. But that was the job of some well-paid therapist in the distant future. “So any bright ideas?”

“That’s where you come in,” announced Tony.

“Me?”

“Yeah, you’re the most responsible and still sometimes fun person I know. You have a nephew or something, right? What do you do to keep him in line?”

“I sometimes talk to my cousin’s kids,” Rhodey explained fruitlessly.

“And?”

“I…I don’t know. I’m not the one parenting them. Ah, last time I talked to them wasn’t really much of a conversation. We sat in the living room and we talked briefly when a commercial came on. We were watching _The Cosby Show_ because it was on but you should see some of the things those kids are allowed to watch. Isn't that just the way of the world, kids always with their eyes glued to screens instead of outside-”

"That's it Rhodey!" Tony exclaimed, eyes bright with schemes.

"What is?" asked Rhodey, starting to worry. He knew that look. Not much good came from it. Sometimes new weapons but that could be argued to stray towards the bad end of the spectrum.

" _The Cosby Show_! I mean, we can't expect Darcy to learn her moral core from me? Like my father said, I don't have one. But Bill Cosby...yes. I'll just sit her on the couch and pop in a few episodes and bam!"

"I was _saying_ one issue with American society is how everyone has been expecting their children to learn from television shows, not encouraging you to do the same."

"It'll be perfect! She learned sharing from _Sesame Street_. Don’t know why I didn’t think of this before."

"You're not even listening to me anymore, are you? You know _The Cosby Show_ is aimed to teach and give hope to primarily African American children?"

"Don't be such a racist, Darcy won't tell the difference. You're pretty much her uncle anyway so it’ll be like learning how the other side of the family acts."

Rhodey gave him a look that said he wasn't entirely convinced.

“I hope you don’t buy this place. Renovations might ruin this pie,” said Rhodey, deciding changing the subject was a lot easier than trying to solve it.

 

>~~~~<  

 

“Why are we doing this?” Darcy asked annoyed, sitting back on the couch and curling her feet under herself.

“Because you need a moral core.”

“I thought I already had one.”

“Well, you need a better one.”

“Fine,” huffed Darcy, rolling her eyes and Tony felt his heart sink a little. Nonetheless, he put the DVD into the player and joined her on the sofa, sitting a little closer to her than she probably wanted. Throughout the whole episode, Tony took quick glances at Darcy to gauge her reaction. He was happy to find that her hostile expression had lessened significantly until she actually looked interested. When the first episode ended, Darcy mumbled something about how they might as well watch the next one and just like that, they got through half of the first season. When Tony got up to get a snack, he noticed Darcy staring shyly at her feet.

“What’s on your mind?”

“Nothing.”

“Come on, don’t be like that. What do you want to say? Don’t like the show after all? Sudden urge to murder everyone at your school?”

“No.”

“Then what?” Tony asked softly, sitting back on the couch.

“I just was wondering. Um, you never talk about my mom. I wanted…wanted to know some stuff about her.”

“Well,” swallowed Tony, not expecting that question at all. He took a moment to try and find the right words. “Um, you know that I didn’t really know her? Not that well. And you better take as a do as I say, not as I do lesson. Boys are…just don’t talk to any of them.”

“Yeah. But what was she _like_?” insisted Darcy.

“Well, uh. She was blonde, great body, nice legs and-”

“ _Dad_.”

“Yeah. Right. Let’s see. We…didn’t walk much. And I was drunk for a lot of it,” Tony admitted, a little ashamed.

“I don’t care. Just tell me what you know,” Darcy asked softly.

“Okay. So, she gave you your blue eyes you know? And the curls. But…I remembered that she loved Pride and Prejudice and Bollywood movies. She loved that romantic stuff. She was starting grad school, or some program like that. About a month after she met me, she was planning on going to India to…study something. The people maybe? She stood out at the party because she was the only one wearing a sari. Blue, to match her eyes. But yeah, she wanted to leave the country, then you came of course and I guess she decided to stay. For a little while at least. They told me they found plane tickets to Bombay in the car wreck. So I guess after she got me to sign the papers to lose any rights, she was taking you straight to India. That explains your middle name.

“I guess that was one of the reasons why I liked her. She didn’t care what other people thought. She just did what she wanted. If she wanted to wear a sari to a party, she’d do it. If she wanted to go to India, she’d find a way. Even if she had to take care of a baby.”

“Where did you meet her?” Darcy asked, soaking in every word.

“Let’s see. It was party. I think a birthday party of some socialite. Maybe a B-rate actress? Your mother was the date of a director but she got bored and wandered off. Then found me. Things…get a little hazy after that. We talked a little, drank more and well...”

“Oh, okay,” Darcy nodded, pondering over his words. Sighing, Tony wrapped an arm around her shoulder.

“I also know she didn’t have any immediate family. No known father. Her mother raised her but she died before you were born. I checked to make sure no one would fight for you. I’m sure they would have. There…may be a file around. About your mother. When everything happened I hired a private investigator but never had the stomach to look at what he found after he said I’d have no problem with custody. I just wanted to start taking care of you.”

“Really? If you find it, can I read it?” asked Darcy hopefully.

“Sure thing honeybee. I’ll have Dummy dig through some of my old boxes. And JARVIS to watch over him while he does it. JARVIS might come up with something new.”

“Sir, I have already started a search on Ms. Zoey Lewis and will let you know when I find something substantial,” the crisp voice of JARVIS assured. 

“Thanks JARIVS. Hey, why the sudden interest in your mom?”

“I don’t know,” shrugged Darcy shyly, making Tony think that she knew the exact reason why.

“Darcy,” warned Tony.

“Well…some kids at school were just saying something. Like how I was practically an orphan. Because I didn’t know my mom,” Darcy admitted and Tony felt his blood start to boil.

“Hey, those kids are little shitheads,” Tony started to rant, he knew sending her to school, even one of best private schools in the area, was a bad idea. “Do you want me to go and talk to your principal? Or…Happy to go and talk to-”

“No dad! No. It’s no big deal. Really.”

“You sure?”

“ _Yes_.”

“Ok…but you have my permission to pop one of them in the jaw the next time they start to give you any trouble.”

“Pepper said I’m not allowed to get into any fights.”

“Yeah? Well, those shits are asking for it,” mumbled Tony. “But I love you. So does Pepper and Happy. We’re a better family then those kids could ever hope for. They’re probably giving you a hard time because they hate their own lives.”

“Okay dad,” said Darcy in an almost condescending tone that said the conversation was over. 

“You’re not…angry that I’ve kept you a secret? You know I just want to protect you. Tabloids are- they’re horrible. And the paparazzi are the worst when they think you can land them a big paycheck. Living with-”

“ _Dad_ , it’s fine. I understand,” complained Darcy and Tony decided that this heart to heart really was over. 

“So, I’m hungry. What do you say to some take out?”  Tony cleared his throat.

“Pizza?” Darcy asked hopefully.

“Yep. Hawaiian.” 

>~~~~<

 

Things had vastly improved. Darcy had officially earned her diploma and recently started talking to Tony again. Pepper, while almost as stubborn as Darcy, at least talked to Tony when she was angry. Even if it was curt. After Darcy found out that Tony had been dying, she refused to talk to her father for over three months. Pepper had been more distressed than angry when she found out Tony’s blood poisoning. Though to be fair, she had accidently found out in a pretty stressful situation. Darcy found out way after the fact through a tabloid.

So the young girl had stayed in New Mexico for longer than her college said she needed to in order to fulfill the six credits and refused to take Tony’s calls. Pepper was left to try and sooth both Starks. It hadn’t been easy but she’d convinced Darcy to come home. A lot of help came from Coulson, who made sure Dr. Foster was surrounded by people who knew the science better. He also made it clear that Darcy wasn’t really an asset for a project on the Einstein-Rosen bridge. That caused Dr. Foster to throw things at Coulson’s head so Pepper sent him an Iron Man stress ball and chocolates as a sorry/ thank you present.

And there was a lot to be thankful for. Darcy was back and now she and Tony were talking so everything should be reaching normal within the next couple of weeks. At least ‘Stark normal’.

When she walked through the door of the living room, arms full of blueprints for the new Stark Tower in New York City, Pepper was reminded that she should have known better. Sitting on a couch and pouring out shots was Darcy. Tony was ordering JARVIS to search for a certain episode of something while eating out of a bag of chips.

“Are you two drinking? Its one in the afternoon.”

“It’s five o’clock somewhere,” Darcy reasoned, _The Cosby Show_ starting to play behind her. Pepper rolled her eyes.

“You’re drinking and watching _The Cosby Show_? Tony, I thought you and I were supposed to go over blueprints? For the new building?”

“I have complete faith in your tastes. I’m sure whatever you’ve come up with is as good as it’s ever going to be.”

“Tony, it’s _your_ building. Your name is going to be on it. You need to do more than just nod your head at every idea I throw,” Pepper explained frustrated. “And Darcy, what about you? Have you figured out your job situation?”

“I sent my application to the Peace Corps last week but it takes up to six months for all the background and medical checks to clear. So now I’m just sitting and waiting.”

“Couldn’t you sit and wait while doing something productive?”

“I would have stayed with Jane but G-Man wouldn’t let me.”

“That would have been a great taserwar if you’d challenge him,” Tony added.

“I would have but Jane had the throwing a major fit down pat. I had to coax her off the roof with a trail of pop tarts and even that didn’t impress him.”

“Well…how about you help me with these blueprints?” Pepper tried, feeling an arc reactor powered headache coming on. She loved them. She really did but sometimes, their ability to be counterproductive was unbelievable. “The contractor is still waiting on the layout of _your_ penthouse. I’ve been swamped ever since Natalie quit. Haven’t had any time to find a replacement yet.”

“I’ve got an idea,” Tony announced happily. “Darcy, you’re sitting around and waiting and Pepper, you’ve got too much to do. Darcy, why don’t you help Pep? Be her assistant for a while until she finds someone else?”

“Me?” Darcy asked, eyes a little wide.

“You’ve grown up around Stark Industries, you know how things run. You’ve also been taking care of scientists in the middle of the desert while being chased by a robot. Testy shareholders are easy compared to that.”

“Yeah, the only time it rained men, I didn’t get one of my own,” mumbled Darcy bitterly and both Pepper and Tony rose their eyebrows.

“Well, I do trust Darcy knows what she’s doing and she does know how things work around the office,” Pepper admitted, deciding to not let this conversation take a long detour while there was work to be done.

“You wouldn’t mind me hanging around? I…I don’t know if I can do it all,” Darcy began to doubt.

“You’ll be a natural at it,” said Tony confidently, starting to tear into the Girl Scout cookies on the coffee table. Pepper wondered if it was even Girl Scout cookie season.

“I guess I could try it. Maybe a trial or something?”

“Sure. I’ll start you off light and we’ll work our way up. How does that sound?” asked Pepper, smiling with some relief when Darcy agreed. To be honest, any help would be great at this point. It helped that Pepper did actually have the confidence that Darcy would be a natural at the job. “Do you want to start now and help me with these penthouse blueprints?”

“Not now, its _Cosby Show_ time,” frowned Tony. “We decided as part of celebration of Darcy talking to me again that we’d have a marathon. After all the lying and anger, we need a brush up on morals.”

Pepper considered his words but took a look at the coffee table that was full of snacks, candy and a lot of shot glasses.

“My god, are you two playing a drinking game? What kind of brush up on morals is this?”

“To be fair, dad made up the drinking game when I was fourteen.”

“It makes the show even better. The alcohol helps hammer on home the points.”

“There’s even an episode about drinking,” Darcy nodded.

“You know, I’ve given up on you two a long time ago,” sighed Pepper.

“Hey! I’ve got hoagies!” Happy announced joyfully at the door. He held up a large paper bag.

“Bring ‘em over!” shouted Darcy. “We’re about to start!”

“Happy, don’t encourage them,” Pepper begged but Happy frowned, a little conflicted.

“Sorry Pepper, this is a fun game. And the hoagies are delicious.”

“We’re about to pull out the pudding shots from the fridge,” Tony tried to tempt.

“Pudding shots?”

“Yeah, for the game. You can’t have a _Cosby Show_ marathon without a few pudding shots,” said Darcy.  

“I have to go through blueprints,” Pepper explained again, a little more slowly.

“We’ve got a pudding shot with Kahlua. I know how much you like Kahlua,” Tony tempted again and this time, Pepper almost wavered.

“If you watch at least one episode with us, I promise tomorrow I’ll be up and sober and prepared to look at any document you want me to,” Darcy swore, hand over her heart. The three people looked at her from the sofa, all with sad eyes and Pepper couldn’t help but sigh.

“Okay fine, one. But then I’m going straight to work.”

Pepper didn’t get any more work done the rest of the day but Darcy kept her promise and they’d finished the initial plans within a day. _The Cosby Show_ drinking game had been so fun though, that her slight headache the next morning had been worth it. And helped them decide on a few more hangover friendly ideas. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not sure when I'll get the last chapter out, as I can't find the draft I was working on. But, I may be posting Darcy/Clint fics in this universe that are mostly written out.  
> Hope the Happy posing as Darcy's father makes sense to you guys. I tried to go back and explain why Fury wouldn't know about Darcy's real father in the Pain Au Chocolat fic.


	6. Tortuga Tomfoolery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And the one time he wasn't but at least they had fun...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little cracky. So take it as fact or fiction in this 'verse.

When Pepper got the call that Tony and Darcy had been arrested for…well, piracy, her mind went on autopilot. She started to make plans for bail, considered what she would tell reporters, even the Peace Corps if they asked her opinion on why Darcy should be allowed in.

Then, she stopped and took a moment to feel the pain in her jaw from clenching her teeth as well as the oncoming headache. For once in her life, Pepper looked at the pile of work she needed to get through and the hundreds of emails that had to be answered, and she decided to not worry about Tony Stark.

The reasoning behind Pepper’s thinking was that perhaps some hours sitting in jail would knock a bit of sense into the Starks. At least, enough sense that they would think twice about committing a felony again. This behaviour wasn’t all that surprising from Tony but it had been a while since he pulled a stunt like this and Pepper was sure (praying actually but she didn’t want to give in and accept the pounding of her heart) that it wasn’t a cry for help because he was dying. Darcy, though occasionally rebellious, never actually broke the law and got arrested. The joy at having the two Starks getting along again was soured at the fact that apparently, they now saw stealing yachts from CEOs as a form of bonding. She should have never given in to Cosby shots. Obviously, it was a slippery slope and she shouldn’t budge next time.

Hope at them learning a lesson was dashed when Pepper finally got to the police station. She almost refused to believe her eyes. Darcy was flirting and playing poker with a young police officer while Tony took pictures with a detective and signed a few autographs on what vaguely looked like his mugshot. The fact that they were still handcuffed didn’t make up for the fact that they were openly having a jolly old time in _pirate costumes_ no less. Pepper didn’t care why anyone thought it was okay to have two people who committed a crime walking about the police station but she feared for California state law enforcement. Though, the incoming Chief and Head Detective, fresh from dealing with an even bigger case, didn’t look too happy either.

When Tony and Darcy finally sat in the back of the car, Pepper couldn’t even find words to describe how utterly angry and frustrated she was. It took a few attempts before something that made sense came out.

“I don’t even know where to begin. I get a call about how the both of you are in police custody because you _stole_ a yacht, kidnapped someone and-”

“We can explain,” Tony assured.

“I don’t think you can.”

“We can!” joined Darcy, looking a little ashamed of her actions or at least the ensuing arrest.

“I don’t understand why you didn’t just ride around in your own boat. You have a yacht of your own Tony! God, even Darcy has a boat. If you really wanted to play pirates, you could have rented or bought a sailboat. But stealing a yacht?” spat Pepper.

“It was a protest against the corruption and bribery rampant in the government! Hammer needed to be taught a lesson and he got what was coming to him. We just helped karma along. Hammer deserves punishment and our government failed us,” Darcy claimed and Pepper almost saw the reason behind their combined stupidity. Yes, Pepper was also angry that Hammer had been able to bribe and hire silver-tongued lawyers to drag him out of the mess he had created but she didn’t go around breaking the law or starting riots. She talked to people who might be able to build better cases against him.

“It wasn’t even his!” Explained Pepper, satisfied with the looks of shock on the Starks’ face. “You two stole Robert Pharnell’s yacht! Don’t know him, do you? He’s the CEO of Grab and Go Burgers.”

“Dad, it was your job to get the right directions!” Darcy turned to Tony who lifted his hands in defence.

“Hey, that _was_ Hammer’s gaudy yacht, last I checked.”

“He sold his yacht to Pharnell to help pay lawyer fees,” stated Pepper.

“Uh, all in good fun?” Tony offered.

“All in good fun? What about that crewmember you _threw_ into the water. What if he drowned? Or the one you tied up? What if he asphyxiated?”

“We didn’t throw him! He jumped off himself,” Darcy argued. “And the other guy laughed about everything towards the end when we explained what we were doing.”

“Who works on a boat and doesn’t know how to swim?” Tony pointed out, getting nods from Darcy. “We worked through all the kinks. Well, I thought we did. And okay, I’ll admit, maybe blasting _I’m On A Boat_ was a little over the top,” Tony admitted, earning a jab in the ribs from Darcy.

“Hey old man, my playlists are flawless. That includes The Tortuga Tomfoolery Soundtrack. Besides, _you_ wanted to rent a monkey.”

“I still don’t see anything wrong with that. It would have added to the excitement.”  

“Chasing after a rabid monkey doesn’t add to excitement.”

“Shut it, both of you,” snapped Pepper, successfully stopping their snippy comments. “Now, I’ve convinced Mr. Pharnell and his employees to not press any further charges but it means free Stark Tech for his employees _and_ we’re promoting him, free of charge for the next three years at any Stark Industries event. Also, he wants us to open a restaurant at the Expo.”

“Their milkshakes are underrated,” Darcy said before she could stop herself then added a meek sorry. Tony just snickered.

“Do you think the Peace Corps are doing to accept you? With this on your record?” Pepper asked and Darcy looked fully ashamed.

“Hey, I’ll just-”

“No Tony,” cut Pepper. “You are not going to make this better by just bribing someone. I’ll figure this out, like I always do, but _you’re_ going to do charity work till I say it’s enough. And I mean you’re going to be out there, actually being a help and not insulting people.”

“But-”

“This conversation is over.”

“Ple-”

“I said over!”

The three fell into a tense silence and Pepper started to make mental lists of all the charities she’d love to see Tony attempting to lend a helping hand. Eventually, Tony and Darcy fell back into excited chatter about what they had done and Pepper knew that they probably weren’t going to learn much of a lesson from this. Still, despite Tony’s lapse of responsibility, she had to concede that at least the two of them had fun.

And Hammer deserved it even if they got the wrong boat. 


End file.
